What do Iron Man, Superman and Wolverine all lack? It’s certainly not their ability to save the world, awesome outfits or their ridiculously brilliant superpowers. Can’t guess? It’s their severe lack of breasts. I would like to introduce to you … Continue reading
I am such a sourpuss. Yep. I am twenty two years old and am a rare kind of young person…Ever see that program Grumpy Old Men? That’s me. Apart from I have less facial hair and my balls haven’t quite started to sag yet.
Now I am all for being affectionate and loving; holding hands, a cuddle on the sofa and the occasional hard spanking. But I like to keep this indoors and preferably with no one to see. So I really don’t understand is why couples like to deep throat each other in the most inappropriate places in view of everybody within a five mile radius.
The other evening, the man-child and I, decided to eat as much Chinese food as we can so we decided to go to the local buffet where we could challenge each other on how many chicken balls we could eat. Things were going swimmingly…I had 7 chicken balls by this point and he had wimped out and was on pudding. I was heading towards the chicken ball championship.
But then the couple next to us decided to interrupt my winning streak when they started licking food off each other. Now I’m, not being funny…but a Chinese buffet at half past 6 on a Tuesday evening is hardly the most romantic nor subtle place to start displaying soft porn.
I tried to ignore it. I really did. But they were so persistent on showing me how sexually attracted they were to each other that the shenanigans got increasingly worse. I suddenly felt like I was watching David Attenborough narrating the mating rituals of two gazelles, “Now here we have the male attempting to woo the female with a vegetable samosa. Look how he feeds it so elegantly into her face.” Please.
Why must you feed each other? Your at a buffet, if you fancy a bit of what the other person has you can go up and get some. That’s the beauty of it! You’ve already paid, go and have as much dim sum you can eat, they are not going to run out.
Needless to say we had to leave. I just find the whole show a badly acted way of demonstrating how in love you are with each other. Wait til you get home my dears then you can cook all the noodles you want and snort them out of each others ears if you wish. Point is no one wants to see it.
Later that week…I am casually browsing the fajita aisle in Asda…a big decision on my mind…do I choose the original El del Paso or go for something exotic and choose the tomato and red pepper flavor? BUT THEY ALSO HAVE BURRITOS! Needless to say this one of the more pressuring moments in my life. I am a woman on the edge.
I turn round to ask the man-child what he thinks and a man and woman practically walk into us and suddenly embrace passionately while she grasped a tin of tomatoes.
Now, they hadn’t just been magically reunited after a heart-breaking long time apart, I think he just came back from the bread aisle. What’s more they started blocking where the fajitas were….I COULDN’T GET TO THE FAJITAS! Why must you tongue each other in my face?!
I never knew tin tomatoes could be so erotic.
Well there we have it. Maybe I am just a very grumpy old lady. But considering both these stories are based around me eating food perhaps fajitas and Chinese buffets are my true love….maybe I should diet….
Now before I start I must stress that not ALL men act this way on a night out, however there are a few of you that let the side down…
Let’s start with ass-grabbing. When I’m out on the tiles with what’s probably considered as a little too much vodka in my system I do tend to think I am Beyonce and there are a many embarrassingly hideous videos and photos of me out there shaking my bum in what can only be described as ‘I wish I could undo what I just saw and erase it from my memory.’
But apparently, even though I am dancing with flailing arms and with absolutely no rhythm, some guys still try it on. Now I’m not saying “OMG I am just sooo attractive men just lunge at me..good god it’s such a pain being me.” No. Men just want to try their luck and good for them, if I was single, I too would be trying to round up anybody that found me remotely attractive with the hope that they maybe too drunk to realize that I resemble a Bull Terriers backside.
But guys…trying to rub your penis on me is not a sexy turn on. I do not appreciate being, what can only be described as, ‘reared’ up my bottom. But this doesn’t just happen when I’m dancing either, oh no! It’s happened when I’ve queuing to get a drink and also whilst eating a kebab in line for a taxi.
Now I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a drunk girl eating a kebab after a night out, but it resembles a warthog feasting on a rough patch of grass. And yes, sometimes I grunt when I eat.
I mean, there maybe some girls out there who love this approach, so if this has ever worked for you, then please continue as you are clearly doing something right. But I can guarantee that roughly 90% of girls don’t wish to be anally attacked by a stranger.
Some guys don’t even place their hands on a girls’ hips but just go straight for the pelvic thrust. No. Stop it. This is not enjoyable! Trust me, if you really want to get somewhere it’s best to wait for the thrusting later on when you are both at home. And then only if it’s consenting…otherwise…that’s a whole other ball game!
The best way is to just politely approach a girl at the bar and offer to buy her drink and then start chatting. Trust me you are far likely to win if you do this. This is a fact. And it’s probably in the Bible somewhere.
Ok, so we’ve established what we like and don’t like. The next thing…if a girl says no to dancing with you, don’t turn round and call her fat or some shit like that. The easiest way to insult a girl is to target her weight, even if she is the skinnier than a HB pencil and sadly you boys know this.
I have seen it too many times when a girl says ‘No, thank you I have a boyfriend’ or even ‘No please don’t rear me as I don’t wish to be anally invaded by a complete stranger,’ and the guy has turned round and either: tried to start a fight or insulted the girl.
I know that some guys do it as it’s a way of handling rejection or some psychiatric toff like that, but please, I have to ask: why bother? You don’t even need to apologize for rearing the girl if you don’t want to. All you need to do is slowly back away and not say a word. Trust me if you tried to dance with her and she said no, and you quietly backed away and then saw her later and offered to buy her drink or sparked up a conversation, she would most likely take up your offer and you ‘d have a second chance.
If you can’t be arsed with that then move on. Believe me all your doing by insulting them is 1)probably making that girl have issues that will most likely last for a long time and 2) making yourself look like an arsehole. And no one enjoys being and arsehole. Unless you are an arsehole. Arsehole.
I hope that some of you guys will read this and go “Shit, maybe I won’t grind on a girl and make her feel completely violated and hey maybe I won’t call a girl a ‘frigid bitch’ because she won’t accept me trying to put my penis up her bum hole. Hmm maybe girls don’t like that…”
This is a topic that has been bothering me for quite some time now. Porn. We all know what it is and what it’s used for. So what is the big deal?
The stuff that is bombarded on to the internet is sometimes gritty, exposing and always always fake. But what is the difference between having a gander on the internet and reading that bloody 50 Shades of Grey. Everyone knows what goes on in the bedroom and yes admittedly some can be a little freakier than others, but it’s apart of life so why are we constantly trying to pretend it isn’t going on.
Which brings me to feminism. Bloody out dated feminism. Women who cry out that the actresses in these films are being exploited to the point where I’ve heard some people say that these women are forced into the business. NO. These women have chosen to participate because they find it liberating and frankly are probably hugely turned on by doing it. Plus the fact they are shaking what their mothers gave them and getting paid a huge amount for it. The women of porn…I applaud you.
Yes I know some of you readers will be thinking ‘what about the kids?!’ Surely they will be affected by all this sexual content that is so readily available to them. I don’t think so. They can still see it on a top shelf of a newsagents and I’m sure they’ve seen American Pie. Plus if you are that worried about it, then put parental lock on the family computer or laptop. But I bet these kids have smart phones…
We should see porn as an opportunity to learn about ourselves, to really learn what we like or dislike. Confused teens can explore their sexuality through watching porn. Imagine a teen boy thinking it’s weird to like fat girls, until he sees the BBW section on PornHub and suddenly he is automatically reassured that actually, he isn’t a freak, he is normal.
Imagine a girl who is worried that she may be attracted to other girls. She sees it online and she can finally feel comfortable in herself to say ‘you know what, I like girls.’ Porn is educational.
Yes sometimes it can give a false idea about what sex is really about and let’s be frank it doesn’t always give out the right messages, but isn’t it the same for books in Waterstones that are so readily available for the younger generations too.
And this is where I get annoyed. Oh no porn is so bad it mustn’t be discussed and can seriously harm our children but let’s make a book about S&M a best seller and make it purchasable on the bloody iPhone. A 14 year old can go in and buy that book no questions asked but the moment that girl Google’s Big Dicks and Fanny suddenly it’s a catastrophe and she’s a broken part of Britain’s society.
I get so frustrated that this so called ‘mummy-porn’ will probably go down as one of the most popular books of our time but a 30 minute movie of some doggy style is considered to be in bad taste. So I have to ask what is the big deal about porn?
So for my 50th post I have decided to give you a sneak peek into a novel that I have been working on for a while now. I would love some feedback as I am trying to crack it in to the big time. Cheers : )
So there I was on the bus and I couldn’t help but feeling everyone knew I had dental floss instead of underwear on. I’m pretty sure I was being looked at by everybody, even the old man two rows in front. As I kept glancing around me I caught a woman’s eye who must not have been over 20. She gave me an awkward smile and I thought that’s it. She knows. My cover is blown. I felt my face turning a very unflattering shade of maroon. So much so that I urgently pushed the bell, demanding that the driver let me off at the next stop. I could barely mutter words of gratitude as I skipped ever so ungracefully off the bus.
In my rush I had given myself a severely hungry bottom. I was now not only going to lose my legs but also my butt cheeks. Mistake number two was not realising that I had gotten off the bus a good forty minutes away from my desired destination. And then we have mistake number three. Today I had decided to wear my six inch black heels from Faith. I have worn these shoes once before in my life and that was to a bar where I proceeded to get so wasted on Long Island Ice Tea that I fell over whilst trying to get into the cab. In front of the guy I was trying to take home. Safe to say he did not get in the taxi with me.
‘Brilliant.’ I thought to myself. ‘Here I am in ridiculous shoes and a thong made for children and a long walk. I may possible be the most stupid person in Central London. No fuck that the United Kingdom’ It is at this point where a woman about my age saunters past with Ray bans casually placed over her perfect beehive blonde hair, tiny bronzed legs and beige Prada heels clip clopping on the pavement. She gives me an almost pitying look, so much so I’m surprised she doesn’t look over her shoulder at me and laugh. Bitch.
Now I am reaching the boring age of 22, not old enough to be a little old lady but old enough to know what is stupid.
And something that is stupid? When women wear heels at the most inappropriate times. It’s always younger girls I see too, so please take my advice here…think about if you’ve ever done this and if you have then STOP. Now.
Shopping. Yes I love it and it’s fantastic and the best thing in the entire world. So why ruin it with 7 INCH HEELS THAT YOU CAN’T WALK IN? I have seen girls wobbling around Primark too many times in staggering heels that look fantastic, until they try to walk and you can practically see their ankles cracking! You can see the discomfort on the faces of these girls! That’s what I don’t understand, they are so obviously in pain. Towards the end of the day is when it gets entertaining to watch as these same girls have resorted to crashing on a bench and rubbing their blisters. Needless to say I saunter past quietly smugly. I deserve to be smug though, I wore sensible shoes.
Buffets. The clue is in the title really. You are going to have to go up and walk around for your food…then walk back carrying a plate of hot food in front of a lot of people. This is a very risky game. And again it seems like the only girls who do it are the girls who cannot walk in them! Here’s a rule – if you go for a meal and then are going out for a night on the town afterwards put a pair of flats in your clutch. They make them small enough for this EXACT purpose!
OK so rant is over. Girls – don’t put yourself through it! Trust me when you can’t walk in them you look silly. Flat shoes are much better for these situations because, let’s face it, you can actually put one foot in front of the other. And no one is going to scorn you for wearing flats around Topshop. Believe me.
So this summer I have been embarking on a different type of job that I have never done before. Child-minding. Now my experience with children is lacking and frankly when I first started I was terrified that I would mess up royally and everything would go tits up. However three months down the line and I have managed to survive and thankfully so has the baby.
But there was one thing that really bothered me throughout the duration of looking after the little one and that was how people acted around me when they thought that I was a young mother. At first I thought it was just an off day but then I started noticing little things that really started to make me wonder if teenage mothers get treated the same.
So I first started noticing the sly looks people gave me while I was walking down the street. It would be the little glances which, to be honest, I was sadly expecting. It was when members of the public would refuse to help me that really wound me up.
While walking around Sainsbury’s I would need to squeeze past people in order to get some form delicious and fatty snack. They would turn around look at me, turn back and when I politely ask them to mind out they would move one teeny tiny centimetre to the side and expect me to be able to manage. Then don’t act surprised if I run you over slightly! You could have avoided the situation. You chose to ignore me so expect to feel the wrath of the buggy.
The train. One of my most hated forms of transport due to the fact they never run on time and the station guards are power hungry serpents. But trying to get a buggy off and on the train without letting the baby fall down the gap is actually quite difficult and when people are waiting to get on the train you’d think they would help you instead of sighing loudly. Let’s face it the train is not going to leave with me half hanging out of it. I’ve never seen an older mother struggle of the train alone.
And the worse one–going up and downstairs in public. People just queue behind you! You can hear them shuffling getting right up your arse because…well…I don’t know why. Ignorance maybe?
I wish I knew why people act the way they do towards young mothers. These frustrating experiences have taught me that society needs a new outlook on this issue and maybe just be nice once in a while and if you see someone struggling to squeeze past to get to the tomatoes, move aside and try not to look too snooty about it.
So I have just come back from a lovely day of shopping in Southampton with my partner. The weather is warm but not exactly sunny and we are recovering from a slight hangover. But it’s okay as we know that Ikea will cheer us up and make us feel miles better.
So there we are strolling around the perfectly made up bedrooms and kitchens, oogling at the things we will never be able to afford, until…WOAH! A girl no older than 15 strolls past me in what can only be described as denim knickers. Her bum cheeks are practically begging to be released from their denim cave and have made a bid to escape but have only managed to make it half way. The result: a half sloppy pair of bum cheeks struggling for air from underneath of denim pants.
The girl is obviously uncomfortable as she keeps trying to pull them down and out of her lady garden. ‘Poor sod’ I think to myself ‘wardrobe malfunction to the next level.’
It isn’t until I’m walking through the shopping centre that I see another one! I have to take a second glance to make sure I wasn’t being stalked by the same girl. But it was another. They were coming in swarms. So much so that my partner decided to play a game…how many girls were wearing denim pants and how many were for shorts. Now I chose the shorts because I’d thought I’d let him have a cheeky look bums, you know as like a Sunday treat.
Safe to say I lost. 7-2. My boyfriend found more bums being split in half than I did by girls wearing normal shorts. The most peculiar thing about the situation was that all the girls had beautiful legs. Toned, shapely and not a hint of cellulite and yet these monstrosities of shorts made their bums look flat and saggy.
I don’t get it! Maybe I am old before my time as I like following fashion and I am only 21 but these shorts don’t even look comfortable! They are the ultimate wedgie and very unflattering. Now, girls in hot pants I am all for. The bum in covered and they make your legs look like they go up to your ears, which is fantastic!
When asking my companion what he thought about them, he completely agreed. ‘It’s not that the girls look slutty, that’s not it’ he tried to reason ‘It’s just they don’t look good. Their arses look deflated.’ Now it says a lot coming from a man that thinks Joan Rivers has ‘potential.’ So as you can imagine, he is not a fussy man.
By all means girls, if you completely disagree with me and you vow to wear these shorts until the end of time then please do..but maybe wear them in the club..where it’s dark…and most people have beer goggles on.
Girls, if you read this title and thought to yourself ‘well I never bitch’ then you need to stop lying to yourself. It is a sad but true fact that girls have a tendency to talk about other girls behind their back at some point or another. I mean if anyone has ever seen Mean Girls then you know I’m right.
But it is no mystery as to why girls go against each other rather than stand together united under a banner of Girl Power. From the age of about 13 there is suddenly a switch whereby girls start to turn on each other and amongst the cat claws and the sharp words, are broken friendships and hurt feelings.
One of the most common reasons girls bitch about each is boys. Those smelly, nose-picking creatures that a couple of years before used to chase you around the playground trying to show you a snail they trod on. Trust me, in those early teenage years all boys are thinking about is how to prank one another and who has the first pubic hair. So if you’re young and reading this please just remember that boys don’t think the way we do. Plus why worry with boys now? It’s the girly friendships that will last longer than any boyfriend.
This all changes however when we reach that awkward age of 16/17 and we think that we are grown up and I’m sure we all had the “I’m moving out tomorrow and there’s nothing you can do about it” phase with our parents. The ground rules for boys have been laid out so they aren’t really a problem anymore. But girls will start with each other on a completely different level now. It could range from what a girl is wearing to her hair colour. Yes she may be wearing an outfit that could be classed as underwear or she may have too much blusher on. It doesn’t matter. She thinks she looks good and she’s probably feeling more confident about herself when she’s wearing it so don’t bring her down. Halloween is always that terrific time of the year when a girl is more likely to dress up as the local prostitute, but who cares?! It’s a one -time occasion and its fancy dress! So next time you think a girl is dressed a tad too provocatively…commend her for being brave.
This then leads to the older generations who may not believe that they are bitching but instead may think that they are offering ‘constructive criticism.’ Well my love it is not constructive if done behind her back. If your colleague is to be offered a promotion and you are not, then take it on the chin and applaud their efforts. Don’t worry your time will come so don’t be jealous.
Plus we girls have enough on our plates to worry about as it is: if our boobs are wonky, if the boy sat next to us thinks we are pretty and not to mention the endless worry about how much a slither of cake will show on our hips. So you can see our agendas are pretty full already and we could really do without tuning on each other too. So I’d like to invite you stand under the ‘Girl Power’ banner with me.
So I have come to the realisation that I am a huge people pleaser. I will more than happily bite my tongue to allow people to walk all over me and bend over backwards just in order to keep the peace. I know some of you must be thinking that I am boasting at how amazingly giving I am, but that’s not it at all.
I don’t know when it all started but I think it may have been in secondary school when I had a best friend who had a very strong personality. For some reason or another she sucked it all out of me and I found myself being at her beckon call 24 hours a day. My family hated who I was becoming and even though the friendship broke off I was still finding myself becoming a submissive person.
Oh and I’ve become a HUGE worrier too! For example if I have to get to a certain place at say…12pm I get up and get ready at 9:30 am even though I am only going half an hour down the road! I’m not sure if I’m the only person to do this as I’m sure that there must be others…I hope! But this worrying nature I seemed to have embodied has stopped me from being who I want to be.
But now as I find myself looking for a career in the media and publishing industry I realise that I because I am such a worry pants I don’t think I’m ruthless enough to make it to the big time like I have always dreamed of doing. Well now I would like to say a big FUCK YOU to my worrying and people pleasing nature.
Now without risking sounding like I’m preaching a new found ‘Wow I’ve Found Myself And Now Look At All The Things I Can Do’ attitude, but I think it’s important to share that I will be becoming more ruthless. I will make it to the big time and I think I need to be selfish.
Don’t get me wrong this doesn’t mean that I will be becoming a bitch and snubbing everyone I meet. No. I will just learn to say ‘No’ to people and start doing things because I want to, not because it’s what I think other people will want me to do. It’s just like Laura Marling sings: ‘Why should I please those, who will never be pleased?’
Here it goes…