I am such a sourpuss. Yep. I am twenty two years old and am a rare kind of young person…Ever see that program Grumpy Old Men? That’s me. Apart from I have less facial hair and my balls haven’t quite started to sag yet.
Now I am all for being affectionate and loving; holding hands, a cuddle on the sofa and the occasional hard spanking. But I like to keep this indoors and preferably with no one to see. So I really don’t understand is why couples like to deep throat each other in the most inappropriate places in view of everybody within a five mile radius.
The other evening, the man-child and I, decided to eat as much Chinese food as we can so we decided to go to the local buffet where we could challenge each other on how many chicken balls we could eat. Things were going swimmingly…I had 7 chicken balls by this point and he had wimped out and was on pudding. I was heading towards the chicken ball championship.
But then the couple next to us decided to interrupt my winning streak when they started licking food off each other. Now I’m, not being funny…but a Chinese buffet at half past 6 on a Tuesday evening is hardly the most romantic nor subtle place to start displaying soft porn.
I tried to ignore it. I really did. But they were so persistent on showing me how sexually attracted they were to each other that the shenanigans got increasingly worse. I suddenly felt like I was watching David Attenborough narrating the mating rituals of two gazelles, “Now here we have the male attempting to woo the female with a vegetable samosa. Look how he feeds it so elegantly into her face.” Please.
Why must you feed each other? Your at a buffet, if you fancy a bit of what the other person has you can go up and get some. That’s the beauty of it! You’ve already paid, go and have as much dim sum you can eat, they are not going to run out.
Needless to say we had to leave. I just find the whole show a badly acted way of demonstrating how in love you are with each other. Wait til you get home my dears then you can cook all the noodles you want and snort them out of each others ears if you wish. Point is no one wants to see it.
Later that week…I am casually browsing the fajita aisle in Asda…a big decision on my mind…do I choose the original El del Paso or go for something exotic and choose the tomato and red pepper flavor? BUT THEY ALSO HAVE BURRITOS! Needless to say this one of the more pressuring moments in my life. I am a woman on the edge.
I turn round to ask the man-child what he thinks and a man and woman practically walk into us and suddenly embrace passionately while she grasped a tin of tomatoes.
Now, they hadn’t just been magically reunited after a heart-breaking long time apart, I think he just came back from the bread aisle. What’s more they started blocking where the fajitas were….I COULDN’T GET TO THE FAJITAS! Why must you tongue each other in my face?!
I never knew tin tomatoes could be so erotic.
Well there we have it. Maybe I am just a very grumpy old lady. But considering both these stories are based around me eating food perhaps fajitas and Chinese buffets are my true love….maybe I should diet….